omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Randomize
