no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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