how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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