I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
