i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
