i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
