I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
