Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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