I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
