woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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