she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
