I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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