after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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