my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
