If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
