I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
