My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I party with great urgency now.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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