she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
