i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
