He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
