Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
