i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
