I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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