Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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