he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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