it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
