It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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