I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
