If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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