omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
