After last night, I could never be a politician.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
