My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
