Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
