Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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