Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
