is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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