I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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