The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
