I'm jealous of your bromance
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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