My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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