im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
