I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
