The maid of honor just puked.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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