i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
