OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
