does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
