I wish I could punch you in the face.
where does the pee come out of this thing
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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