Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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