he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
