Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
