Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
