I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
