Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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