There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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