you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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