took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
