Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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